30 July 2020

I am tired and that makes this... well, I'm not sure how to go about writing it. I'm fine, quite fine. I'm lying in bed, propped up on pillows, eating a caramel slice and drinking a cold coffee - heaven. I've been crocheting a hat for S. Some adjustments will need to be made - it's a little large - but there's time.

Most of the side effects of reducing (and being near to ceasing) Pregabalin have stopped, or lessened to a great degree. I was nauseous this morning, but for the most part, the pain, the stomach problems, the sleeplessness, the temperature dysregulation, have all lessened to a very manageable extent. All I feel is tired. A bone wearying tiredness. It doesn't feel bad. It's not the kind of tiredness that feels bad, like depression. I just want to lie down, and rest, and do some enjoyable things like crochet my friend a hat, watch scandal and finish knitting these socks (okay, that was a little brag. Really people, I made a sock, and I plan to make a second - it's incredible).

The drop off is here. Well, I can choose if it's here today, but it will definitely be here tomorrow. The day I don't take just a small pill, but none at all. And then the counter starts. One day, two days, three days of no Lyrica and the start of healing. Probably a lot of sleeping.

The beginning was tough, and I felt very sick (to future me: it sucked, it was horrible, you cried almost every day) but for the last little while it has been mostly peaceful. You're in a good rhythm and it's nice here. Withdrawal was good to you. You learned how to knit and crochet (better). You played Zelda (in the early days). You gave G. a dozen hugs a day, towards the end. Your relationship grew. You didn't shower. You enjoyed yourself. (thoughts fill up your head when it's not busy, so you stay busy and struggle at night, lying awake, but that's okay. it's early days).

It's good.

Edit: Can I just say that's it also quite disturbing when Olivia Pope loses her hygiene standards in Scandal because she is being held captive when she checks the dirt under her nails and that that is your hygiene standard.